Forgiving

Over the past few years things have changed dramatically for my family and in my personal life. I don't quite know what to say about it but all I know is that both my family and I have been opened up to much criticism. At first it was small but spiteful and we just shrugged it off, but eventually it got to the point where what was said was dangerous. None of what has been said about my family and I was ever true, but to people who don't know us too well, or even to people who resent my dad's writings, every word could be and was soaked up and believed - no matter how ridiculous and hurtful it was. This has led me, especially, to bitterness towards these people, and I have had quite the trial in learning to forgive.
Forgiving had always come easy to me, but once I held onto to the anger I felt for these individuals, I found it getting harder to forgive anyone, even for the smallest of things. I know what the right thing to do is and I feel like it should be easy, but every time I feel as if I've forgiven them and moved on, something else even more hurtful happens. And that has been what has really made it a trial. Thankfully every time I begin to let my spite for what happened control me, Heavenly Father helps me turn to just the right scripture or talk.
Like here in psalms:

 12 For it was not an enemy that reproached me; then I could have borne it: neither was it he that hated me that did magnify himself against me; then I would have hid myself from him:

 13 But it was thou, a man mine equal, my guide, and mine acquaintance.

 14 We took sweet counsel together, and walked unto the house of God in company.

Also with this scripture in 3 Nephi. I chanced upon it right after I had prayed for help, because I couldn't bring myself to even want to go near these people who only wanted to use me to find fault in dad:
 22 But I say unto you, that whosoever is angry with his brother shall be in danger of his judgment. And whosoever shall say to his brother, Raca, shall be in danger of the council; and whosoever shall say, Thou fool, shall be in danger of hell fire.

 23 Therefore, if ye shall come unto me, or shall desire to come unto me, and rememberest that thy brother hath aught against thee—

 24 Go thy way unto thy brother, and first be reconciled to thy brother, and then come unto me with full purpose of heart, and I will receive you.

This morning I had a nightmare reliving everything that had happened and how I feel towards these people. I woke up shaken and angry. Until I felt the holy spirit telling me to look up another talk on forgiveness. There were many, but this was the one I was drawn to, and I know it was meant for me to read this at this time. I know I do not want to let those feelings of resentment overpower me and I know that I need to put myself in the lords hands as I strive to overcome this trial.

Forgiveness Will Change Bitterness to Love
David E Sorensen
Of the Presidency of the Seventy

Isn’t it amazing, the gifts of the Spirit that the Lord has given to Elder Nelson. His talents bless not only the Church, but the whole world.

I’d like to speak today of forgiveness.

I grew up in a small farming town where water was the lifeblood of the community. I remember the people of our society constantly watching, worrying, and praying over the rain, irrigation rights, and water in general. Sometimes my children chide me; they say they never knew someone so preoccupied with rain. I tell them I suppose that’s true because where I grew up the rain was more than a preoccupation. It was a matter of survival!

Under the stress and strain of our climate, sometimes people weren’t always at their best. Occasionally, neighbors would squabble over one farmer taking too long a turn from the irrigation ditch. That’s how it started with two men who lived near our mountain pasture, whom I will call Chet and Walt. These two neighbors began to quarrel over water from the irrigation ditch they shared. It was innocent enough at first, but over the years the two men allowed their disagreements to turn into resentment and then arguments—even to the point of threats.

One July morning both men felt they were once again short of water. Each went to the ditch to see what had happened, each in his own mind reckoning the other had stolen his water. They arrived at the headgate at the same time. Angry words were exchanged; a scuffle ensued. Walt was a large man with great strength. Chet was small, wiry, and tenacious. In the heat of the scuffle, the shovels the men were carrying were used as weapons. Walt accidentally struck one of Chet’s eyes with the shovel, leaving him blind in that eye.

Months and years passed, yet Chet could not forget nor forgive. The anger that he felt over losing his eye boiled inside him, and his hatred grew more intense. One day, Chet went to his barn, took down the gun from its rack, got on his horse, and rode down to the headgate of the ditch. He put a dam in the ditch and diverted the water away from Walt’s farm, knowing that Walt would soon come to see what had happened. Then Chet slipped into the brush and waited. When Walt appeared, Chet shot him dead. Then he got on his horse, went back to his home, and called the sheriff to inform him that he had just shot Walt.

My father was asked to be on the jury that tried Chet for murder. Father disqualified himself because he was a longtime friend of both men and their families. Chet was tried and convicted of murder and sentenced to life in prison.

After many years, Chet’s wife came to my father and asked if he would sign a petition to the governor, asking for clemency for her husband, whose health was now broken after serving so many years in the state penitentiary. Father signed the petition. A few nights later, two of Walt’s grown sons appeared at our door. They were very angry and upset. They said that because Father had signed the petition, many others had signed. They asked Father to have his name withdrawn from the petition. He said no. He felt that Chet was a broken and sick man. He had suffered these many years in prison for that terrible crime of passion. He wanted to see Chet have a decent funeral and burial beside hisfamily.

Walt’s sons whirled in anger and said, “If he is released from prison, we will see that harm comes to him and his family.”

Chet was eventually released and allowed to come home to die with his family. Fortunately, there was no further violence between the families. My father often lamented how tragic it was that Chet and Walt, these two neighbors and boyhood friends, had fallen captive to their anger and let it destroy their lives. How tragic that the passion of the moment was allowed to escalate out of control—eventually taking the lives of both men—simply because two men could not forgive each other over a few shares of irrigation water.

The Savior said, “Agree with thine adversary quickly, whiles thou art in the way with him,” ¹ thus commanding us to resolve our differences early on, lest the passions of the moment escalate into physical or emotional cruelty, and we fall captive to our anger.

Nowhere does this principle apply more than in our families. Your specific concern may not be water, but each of us on earth, living under the stress and strain of this telestial climate, will have reason—real or perceived—to take offense. How will we react? Will we take offense? Will we find fault? Will we let the passions of the moment overcome us?

President Brigham Young once compared being offended to a poisonous snakebite. He said that “there are two courses of action to follow when one is bitten by a rattlesnake. One may, in anger, fear, or vengefulness, pursue the creature and kill it. Or he may make full haste to get the venom out of his system.” He said, “If we pursue the latter course we will likely survive, but if we attempt to follow the former, we may not be around long enough to finish it.” ²

Now let me take a moment here to note that we must take care in our families not to cause spiritual or emotional snakebites in the first place! In much of today’s popular culture, the virtues of forgiveness and kindness are belittled, while ridicule, anger, and harsh criticism are encouraged. If we are not careful, we can fall prey to these habits within our own homes and families and soon find ourselves criticizing our spouse, our children, our extended family members. Let us not hurt the ones we love the most by selfish criticism! In our families, small arguments and petty criticisms, if allowed to go unchecked, can poison relationships and escalate into estrangements, even abuse and divorce. Instead, just like we learned with the poisonous venom, we must “make full haste” to reduce arguments, eliminate ridicule, do away with criticism, and remove resentment and anger. We cannot afford to let such dangerous passions ruminate—not even one day.

Contrast Walt and Chet’s tragic story with the example of Joseph of Egypt. Joseph’s brothers jealously hated him. They plotted to take his life and finally sold him as a slave. Joseph was carried into Egypt and struggled for years to rise from slavery. During these challenging times, Joseph might have condemned his brothers and sworn revenge. He might have soothed his pain by scheming to get even someday. But he did not.

In time, Joseph became ruler over all of Egypt, second in command only to Pharaoh. During a devastating famine, Joseph’s brothers traveled to Egypt for food. Not recognizing Joseph, they bowed down to him because of his high position. Surely at that moment Joseph had the power to exact revenge. He might have put his brethren in prison or sentenced them to death. Instead he confirmed his forgiveness. He said: “I am Joseph your brother, whom ye sold into Egypt. Now therefore be not grieved, nor angry with yourselves, that ye sold me hither. … And God sent me before you to preserve you a posterity … and to save your lives by a great deliverance. So now it was not you that sent me hither, but God.” ³

Joseph’s will to forgive changed bitterness to love.

I would like to make it clear that forgiveness of sins should not be confused with tolerating evil. In fact, in the Joseph Smith Translation, the Lord said, “Judge righteous judgment.” ⁴ The Savior asks us to forsake and combat evil in all its forms, and although we must forgive a neighbor who injures us, we should still work constructively to prevent that injury from being repeated. A woman who is abused should not seek revenge, but neither should she feel that she cannot take steps to prevent further abuse. A businessperson treated unfairly in a transaction should not hate the person who was dishonest but could take appropriate steps to remedy the wrong. Forgiveness does not require us to accept or tolerate evil. It does not require us to ignore the wrong that we see in the world around us or in our own lives. But as we fight against sin, we must not allow hatred or anger to control our thoughts or actions.

The Savior said, “Wherefore, I say unto you, that ye ought to forgive one another; for he that forgiveth not his brother his trespasses standeth condemned before the Lord; for there remaineth in him the greater sin.” ⁵

This is not to say that forgiveness is easy. When someone has hurt us or those we care about, that pain can almost be overwhelming. It can feel as if the pain or the injustice is the most important thing in the world and that we have no choice but to seek vengeance. But Christ, the Prince of Peace, teaches us a better way. It can be very difficult to forgive someone the harm they’ve done us, but when we do, we open ourselves up to a better future. No longer does someone else’s wrongdoing control our course. When we forgive others, it frees us to choose how we will live our own lives. Forgiveness means that problems of the past no longer dictate our destinies, and we can focus on the future with God’s love in our hearts.

May the seeds of unforgivingness that haunted my neighbors never be allowed to take root in our homes. May we pray to our Heavenly Father to help us overcome foolish pride, resentment, and pettiness. May He help us to forgive and love, so we may be friends with our Savior, others, and ourselves. “Even as Christ forgave you, so also do ye.” ⁶ In the name of the LordJesus Christ, amen.

Evolution

These are my thoughts on evolution, now you may disagree, but please do not think me a simpleton or a fool because I do not believe in evolution. Ever since I was young the idea always just seemed a bit ridiculous to me, and I always just ignored it. Now that I am older I find that I must strive to reason why because it is continuously being shoved at me. However my conviction has only seemed to have been confirmed. Part may be to my being a devout Mormon and if I was not mormon I know I would be a devout christian and would still hold the same views. Do not try to dissuade me it will do nothing for the either of us. I do not believe that god created man with the use of evolution. In genesis 1:26 God said, "Let us make man in our image after our likeness: and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over the cattle, and over every thing that creepeth upon the earth." If we were made in God's image I do not believe that this means we would first have had to evolve from a single organism, to a fish, to a four legged mammal, to a gorilla, and then to a man. God would have just made us a man, otherwise we are not just a man are we? Our ancestors before Adam and eve were then a gorilla, a four legged mammal, a fish, and a microorganism. Making us also a gorilla, a four legged mammal, a fish, and a microorganism as well as a man.  In that same verse of genesis God said that man was to have dominion over the things of this earth. How was man supposed to have dominion over the things of this earth if we were the same as them? I do not believe it would have worked or that our father in heaven would have planned it that way. He is our father and we are made in his image, not the image of another organism. Besides the point of religion I have several questions as to the logic of  this science that I know I would ask even if I wasn't a christian because it just doesn't make sense. Why is evolution on such a large scale still not happening today? I would have thought that someone would have noticed a creature evolving into a human rather than it's being born human and would have shouted it out to the scientific community by now. Now I know that this process is supposed to take millions of years but I think that even scientists back long ago would have discovered more men being formed out of other species rather than just through conception. How did those organisms find the exact genetic sequence to make a human and allow us and other creatures to have such complexities in order to function in life? How did those mircroorganisms know how to create the perfect reproduction system and how to create a liver or any other organ, especially a brain? How did they know how to make a brain where we were able to perfectly think and live without any more help from their process of evolving? There is no way they could know the perfect sequence to create such a organ or any organ that can function perfectly in harmony with the rest of a human body. Also science keeps changing and being disproved and rewritten every day. Constantly we are discovering that we were wrong on everything in science. Long ago it made sense to use leaches to suck the blood out of us when we were sick, because we believed that sickness was due to bad blood rather than bacteria and viruses. Why is this any different? How can it not change or be dis-proven as well? Please if you do believe differently do not think I am trying to belittle or offend you, but I do want you to know that this it what I believe. It came from my own study and questioning and I will and would believe this no matter what situation or where you put me in life. I am sorry if I have offended. My post was not meant to offend anyone or cause contention, it was written only to state my opinion on the subject that has come up a lot in my life.

Past years reflection

Over the past few years I have learned a valuable lesson: No matter what hurtful thing someone has done, no matter what they say to you to get you to attack them back; never say anything they can use against you.Never say anything that could in the slightest be taken as hurtful and spiteful even if you want to so bad. It never ends well and will only come back to hurt you too. Instead smile laugh, try to move on, and leave them with a one liner they cannot reply to ;) :P And also if they hurt you so much, you don't need to stay with them, it won't go anywhere and it will only provoke you more. Leave, move on. You can live happily without them.

GAH!!!!!!

Forget any other form of torture having to write and give a talk is the WORST!!!!!!!! I swear I always end up bawling (while writing it) from the stress. and I feel so sorry that my mom has to deal with me during those times.... I mean Kate loves doing stuff like this! Can't they just never ask me and only talk to her about it?! Cause that that would be great!

First Day of High School B-Day

B-day was tuesday, and apparently late day, but the bus only comes early, so I was there alone finding my classes Tekkie was there, so I chatted with her about pokemon and such and such, because we're nerds. Then the bell rang and I headed to seminary. I found out that I had the same seminary teacher as Kathryn (bonnie's friend) and Harley. Other than that I didn't know anyone and there was only like one - three other sophmores in my class. It was fine I mainly just sat and chatted with Kathryn and we had a lesson and such. After seminary I went to computer tech... I was not excited for this class. We had an assembly first this time, and I found Emma and Emily in the assembly hall with me. It was just about school rules and the teachers could not figure out how to use a powerpoint so mostly we just chatted. After that I went back to computer tech. I didn't really know anyone in this class except for two girls who I never talk to and can only remember one of their names, but we all sat near each other anyway. Then a cute guy came into the class. Yes one good thing, and then it turned out he was in the wrong classroom... Drat. Well we went over the disclosure and then had like 30 minutes of free time, so pretty much everybody just facebooked until the bell rang. I then headed to English in which I sat at the first table I saw, Jea, and Emily soon arrived as well. In english we went over the disclosures and then had to do partner introductions. I got partnered with this one girl who was really nice, and had a lot of the same interests as me so that was pretty nice. Then it was lunch again. We all met up in this certain spot where my crush and his friends were apparently meeting up at as well... so that was awkward. Then I had math... I almost fell asleep several times.... gah.... After that I found my bus but some stupid lady was driving in the bus lane so our bus got a dent in her car's side, so we were there waiting for like 40 minutes, and then there was a 15 minute train so it took forever to get home.... and yeah this post it waaay late

First Day of School A-Day

School started last week. The morning started with me waking up at six and getting ready for school. Unlike any other first day of school I had actually slept to when my alarm went off. I got up and got ready for the first day of school. When the bus arrived I was surprised about how full it was, but found my friend Kilee B. and sat next to her. We both had first day of school nerves. When we arrived I found my first class and then we wandered a bit. When the bell rang I went back to World Civ and found Jea there. I was so glad she was in my class, we were all allowed to sit where we wanted to which was nice, and apparently are allowed to every day. There were a bunch of others I recognized from Mueller but no one else I was really close to. In that class it was mostly figuring things out and introduction things. We were paired up with somebody next to us and had to introduce the other... It wasn't too hard since I got paired up with Matt who I had a few classes with last year and kinda talked to. After that we had some free time and I talked to Jea about our classes, and such. The bell rang and I headed up to french class. I was so nervous until I saw Tay and Kaitlyn. Of course I sat down next to them. And again in French there were a lot of people I knew including my crush. Score! We were then called down to an assembly and I found McCall. We sat down in the middle of a row, and discovered all off the others were in the other assembly.  By the end of everyone coming in me and McCall were stuck between two awkward guys with beards. Yup that's how it goes... The assembly was just one about school policy and such, nothing big. After it was done McCall and I split and heading back to our classes. When we all returned Madame Whiting had us do introductions and pull out an item to represent us. I did my Fai bookmark I made for obvious reasons and also due to the fact that I only had a walmart-cheepo-mechanical pencil with me. Mostly that day we talked about what we needed in class and listened to some french. After that Tay and I walked to chemistry together. While headed there we both went to different classes which was odd since both of us had honors with Jensen. I went to the class and sat down next to Emily who told me that this too was Jensen. About 5 min into the class I realized that this was not the honors class, and that there were two teachers who taught chemistry at the same period with the last name of Jensen. Embarrassed I headed over to the other class where tay was. When I got there it was completely full except for one seat next to Tay... thank the heavens. I headed back and plopped my bag down. She gave me the 'i told you look' and I replied 'yeah yeah I know... I was shown the wrong classroom' During Chemistry we were put into lab groups and had to do a lab... on the first day... and a lab report.... seriously.... After chemistry was lunch. I said by to tay and caught up with Emma, McCall, and Kilee B. We ate lunch, and McCall's boyfriend was sitting with us which was really awkward but whatever. We wandered around a lot after lunch. When the bell rang I was unsure of how to get to my foods class, and I asked this girl who was in my lab group if she knew where it was. Turns out she was going there herself so I went with her. I sat with her and a one other junior and one senior. They're all really nice, and it was fun. Foods was mainly just going over disclosures and such. After that we all left and I headed for the bus and left for home.

Maine Trip

Wednesday - We packed and cleaned up so we could go. Around 11:20 we headed to the airport, unpacked our stuff and went in. Nothing really interesting happened while in the airport, it was just the usual security and rush. At about midnight we boarded the plane, and headed off to JFK airport where we would get our next flight to Maine.
Thursday - I didn't really get much sleep that morning, because Kate would lay on me, so I would lay on her, and then she would move, and she wouldn't stop moving. When we arrived at New York we couldn't get out of the airport lest we should miss our flight.  I took this time to pull out a notebook and doodle. When the time came, we left with our flight, and headed off. This time I slept just fine, and woke up as we were going over Maine. It was gorgeous there was water and trees! Trees! After we landed Grandma and Grandpa picked us up and brought us to their house. Pretty much then we really just got settled down most of the time... Later in the day we went to Macey's with Grandma, Marie, and Sadie. Grandma wanted to see if this one dress would fit mom, so that's why we went. Funny thing is that I ended up being the one with the most to try on (not out of my choosing) in the end. I ended up getting a shirt, pants, ankle length skirt, and a jean jacket... Kate got a dress, two shirt and I think she may have gotten something else but I can't remember... Rachel and Anya both go a hello kitty outfit, after that we all went back and just had fun. Grandma showed us her jewelry and I might I say she has some really really pretty stuff. After that I don't really remember what happened much, I know we all talked and had dinner and such, and then they all went to pick up Lila while Kate and I watched Rachel Anya and Doctor who. In bed Kate took up the entirety and I was stuck in a crack with almost zero blanket.
Friday - Friday we got up and ate breakfast. Later in the day we left for a trip. We visited my great grandma's grave,  now I kinda have issues with graveyards, want to make me teary and edgy for a day, take me to a graveyard. They're just so sad to me for some reason. I was in the car with grandma, grandpa, Seth, Marie, and Kate, and we were the first there, because everyone else decided to get food. So the others in the car were pretty upset, while we waited for the other two cars of people to arrive. When they did arrive it was down-pouring and Seth decided to wrestle Amy in the graveyard. After the tousle something happened and Seth partially mooned them, which got the same response from Lila. Except it was a full on mooning. Then we all went off to get pizza taking the scenic drive. I got a sub there which was really good, and talked with Kate, grandma and grandpa. Then we all went to Shaines Ice Cream. I got a double thinking that it would be about the size of their single... it was three times bigger, and dripped purple on my white shirt, but it was DELICOUS. We went to this one beach area and went to this factory in which salt water taffy is made, and then a couple of us went with Amber to this cute little candy store, and then half of us headed towards the beach and the other half went into a little souvenir shop. I stayed under a roof holding Arwin so she didn't get cold and wet, like the rest of us. When we got back a few of us girls went to a makeup store, it was quite cute and fun! My favorite part was sampling perfume, that was interesting! We got home then had dinner and then went to bed. Kate and I then watch Dr Who and went to bed.
Saturday: The big day. We went to the boston temple and Kate and I babysat the entire time. It was tough but it wasn't too bad. We just kept track of and entertained Rachel, Sadie, Anya, and Arwin. There were multiple potty breaks, in which they would argue over who would go first, and fights on the potty... Ack! other than that they were pretty good. They calmed down and played easily after a while. Finally it was done and they all came out. I was sooooooooo glad to be done with it. So we got in the cars and grandma and Lila went in to get some garmets and it felt like it was another another hour.... AH! I think it was like 3 and none of us had eaten since like 6-7ish.... we were hungry and pretty edgy. Finally we all left for the hour ride back. With all the traffic we pulled to the side got Mc Donalds and headed off again for the ride which took like 4 hours. We were all dead by the time we got back. A whole bunch of us had to shower due to girl reasons and such. Yes a few of us were on the dread time of the month... Gack gack gack gack. That night we showed Grandma Duck Dynasty and watched several episodes. There's one episode called Daddy's Got A Gun, and it's about where his daughter is dating this boy and grandma was agreeing with every word they said.... That was kinda nerve racking. I can soooooooo wait for my dating years! I'm scared of what dad will do! An understanding-of-the-gospel quiz? The intimidation and questioning? The accusations and canceling the date before dad even meets my date? I think I'd rather have the gun approach... I don't know, I'm probably really overreacting but still I am freaking out! Well anyhow we went down and all talked then went to bed, watched dr who and went to sleep.
Sunday: I was way nervous to go to church. Being me I wondered how the YW and YM were going to react... Were they going to shun us because we're from Utah? Not even give a care? Or, be all like "VISITORS!!! Yeah!!!" Anyhow I dressed up nicely did my hair and makeup and hoped I looked decent. When we arrived I looked at the tiny building and shivered. Once we entered I was so shocked about how tiny the sacrament meeting and everything was! There was barely  anybody in the small sacrament meeting room... It was so cute! But empty. Sacrament was good, and I mainly worked on my wedding dresses, and talked about them  with Monika. After that, we were escorted over to Sunday school. It was small and quaint and there were only three young women and two young men. Which is a lot like our young women's and young men's. They were all really nice and just kinda laughed when we told them we were from utah! Great! They weren't scary! Due to the teacher not expecting to teach till that morning we just watched one of the old church videos. After that it was young women's and that was actually really nice and fun! Then we left to pick up Rachel and Anya and there were like what 11 primary children in total?! I freaked! How can a ward be so small?!?! On the way home we drove by the beach, it was gorgeous and then headed home. Everyone just really got their own lunch and lounged about. Later though we headed to the lighthouse and walked around the beach. We couldn't go in because it was sunday but I really wanted to. When we got back nothing really happened, just routine. We watched Emma as well, I loved it! Dinner, movie (showing grandma and grandpa parental guidance), and bed.
Monday: Breakfast, Lounge, Errands, Food, and shopping. That pretty much sums it up! Someone went out bought lobster for dinner, and then we cooked them and had an AMAZING sea food dinner and cake!!! Lila did makeup and due to the colors she had I looked like one of those evil girls on tv. which was very amusing!  Family home evening was next, and then came girls night out. All of us girls went to the mall and went shopping pretty much! All the little girls got matching outfits and then a few of us went to Forever 21 and Kate and I both got something there. After that we all gathered over at this little ice cream shop and left. Then we stopped at dairy queen and dunking donuts to get some food and went back home. Then again the usual Dr Who and bed! Sweetness
Tuesday: Earlier in te day we watched Classic Dr Who with Grandpa which was really nice to do! After that we all pretty much hung out until Marie and Seth took their flight home, and then Kate and I went shopping with grandma and grandpa! First we went to Nordstrom Rack, and tried on clothes and both got the cutest stuff! Then we headed over to target in which Kate and I both got a bra and we picked up some undies for Rachel and Anya. Then we went over and got dinner at friendly's! It was really good, and we were all so full! After that we headed to the mall and looked a macey's for a bit and then checked out some of the other stores! We got a lot of new clothes thanks to grandma and grandpa! That night me and Kate watched Dr. Who for our last marathon night
Wednesday: We all awoke and packed up... It was sad to go although I'm so glad I was able to! It was a great week! Anyhow we wished everyone goodbye, and headed towards the plane. During security Kate's bag beeped and had to get searched. All of us wondered what was the matter with it, we all laughed when it turned out to be Kate's big blue eraser that says 'My Bad' on it. The plane ride was a plan ride. Tiring. And I don't think I fell asleep because of Anya. On the second ride there was a Duck Dynasty marathon playing on tv so we watched that as we fell asleep.
Thursday Morning: Dad came and picked us up! I was glad to see him, we finally got home, brought our stuff in and just crashed... Sleep!